Stop Calling Me

Yesterday Jules asked me to stop calling her so much. She didn't even say it in person but in one of her usual half capitalized SMS messages which give the distinct feeling that you are being shouted at. I couldn't believe it. I have been calling her once each day because I wanted to talk about stuff. Nothing important, just be in touch. I have been calling her once each day and she hasn't answered for maybe two weeks. It doesn't seem like i am asking much . She says that she doesn't have anything to say and doesn't feel llike talking. I guess that is okay for a while. But i have been dealing with that rationalization for some time. Sure, she is not feeling good about things, but after a while my sympathy starts to harden and her attitude just seems selfish to me. We are, in the end, married. You would think that this road of giving was supposed to go two ways. But i feel like all the time i am just continually giving and giving. Giving from what i thought was an unending well, but lately it seems like maybe it is half empty.

So she says that she will come along to meet me on my immanent trip to London "as I requested". The language is loaded, and stupid me I never know if it is loaded to get me to burst and be angry thus taking the blame away from her. Or if it is loaded because she doesn't want to come at all. Probably both. Ultimately i dont really feel like i want her to come at all. It is like the awkwardness of going out for a night with your ex girlfriend, except this is my (estranged?) wife. Who would have thought that only a couple of months apart could do this to us. I really played this game badly, and i dont mean the game since i have been away from jules. But the game of life, where i chose a partner and thought that it was going to be a sure thing. I guess maybe i always had the feeling. Maybe that is just hindsight.

Anyway, next post back to the usual procession of inane links.