i feel tired all the time. my mind is occupied by lots of thoughts but they are always moving at a kind of syrupy pace and then when i try to grab one and focus more closely the point of it sort of slides away. i find myself doing all the normal things that i do normally but with no excitement. always rubbing my eyes and shambling instead of walking. i have a sore foot that has been like that for six months or more. it keeps almost getting better but i dont really look after it so every once in a while it gets worse again and then it takes ages for it to get better. When i get home all i do is eat and get drunk and watch TV. i eat just to have something to do. i smoke cigarettes even when i dont want them. i get me massive heartburn. i keep burping up horrible acid which makes my throat and stomach burn.

I find that i often get a single word or phrase stuck, in my head which repeats over and over again. ther phrases are meaningless. it is sort of like getting a song stuck in your head but without a soul. I also fid myself haveing many reminiscences. old memories come up unbidden. things i have not thought about for years. it is not unplesant but i wonder why all of these things kjeep coming to mind. maybe it is some subconcious way of propping up my flagging optimisim.

work is dull and repetitive. i am at a bit of a brick wall at the moment. but i am too lethargic to do much anything about it. my imagination is shot. instead of my usual exzcitement about what i am doing in my life, i have shifted to being excited about things that i dont have. proposed holidays. things i would want to buy and soforth. all sorths of things that are not like me at all.

i go up and down thinking sometimes that i am going to have to prepeare myself for an ongoing solo journey and sometimes that i might salvage this living wreck a marriage. at the zenith of each part of the cycle i feel almost alright.