Julie's Birthday

I am having a difficult time. Jules is really down in the dumps at the moment. She has told me that she doesn't want to come and move to Ireland with me. She says that she wants to move back to Australia. It really makes me sad. The kind of all pervasive sad where you find yourself crying for no reason. Where advertisments on TV have to be turned off so they don't get me crying again.

This is my wife. The person who along with me had pledged to create a combined unit that would stand the test of time. Or at least the test of a long long time. Because of work and travelling we have not really been together for 3 months now. I knew there would be stress involved, but not like this. I though there was more strength to us.

I also think that this would be mitigated if Jules and i were together here. A lot of thing seem better when you have someone to share it with. But Jules' natural instinct when she is feeling bad is to retreat inside and blame everything around her. She thinks this is a good way of dealing with things. Well in the past for her it has been a good damage control mechanism. But, there is only so long you can keep running away.

I haven't been able to speak with her for more than a week now. She never answers my calls and i only get terse SMS messages saying how unhappy she is and how she hates everything. I have to be very careful to say the right things. I if I get upset, or if I try to tell her to cheer up I make her angry. I am honestly at a loss as what to do. Obviously I want her to be happy, but I also want to salvage my own happiness. If she needs to leave me and the British isles then she has to. But that will pretty much break me in the process.

All my time living here in Ireland has been in limbo, implicitly based upon the idea that Jules would come and join me when she got her passport back. If and when Jules gives it all up and goes back to Australia I will have to deal with: being alone, a broken heart and still with the ever present stress of performing at work. I suppose I will also try to beat myself up about having had an absolutely pathetic marriage also.

Look there in the previous paragraph, I am already preparing myself for the inevitable downfall. This kind of pre-cauterisation is bad. I am emotionally preparing myself for the rending and pain, but if it were to ever work out in any good way I would already have partially severed myself emotionally. Lose-lose situation.

Now to bring it to a sort of a head today, I have to arrange to sort out Jules' parents to fly from the Ireland to the UK to see Jules. For her birthday. She hates her birthday and doubly so now that she is projecting all of her current negative emotions unto it. So what do I say? Sure I will book a flight for you guys but Jules doesn't want me there, I think she is going to leave me an our marriage will be over. In fact I don't think she wants any of us there.

It is not her fault. She is really having a hard time. She has another persons shit heap of a family falling around her ears and a lot of that is rubbing off on her. She is living with the separated father and the kids seem to be imprinting the mother that they need upon her. I cant begin to guess how Jules is coping. From the little I hear she is not coping very well at all. But what do I know? With every passing day I seem a little further away and it is harder to understand what she might be thinking.
It cant go on like this.
What is going to happen?
I cant control anything, not even myself...